DEATH BY ESTRANGEMENT

Come on in and take a load off your weary spirit and mind!

Tell your heart to beat again!

Where in the world do I begin to touch on this crazy-insane, turmoil-filled, chaotic, morbid, yet humorous epidemic called "Estrangement?"  The point where your grown children take a detour down "Stupid Street" and can't seem to find their way back.  I am here writing this blog hopefully to help lessen the pain, and show you how to replace most of it with something substantial and beneficial to your heart, mind, body, and soul! 

First, join me while I dissect this word:

E:  Escape

S:  Separate/Splitsville

T:  Turn Away

R:  Remove

A:  Alienate

N:  Negate

G:  Go away/Grow apart 

E:  Enemy/Empty

M:  Move

E:  Exert

N:  Nullify

T:  Tribulation 

Now, these are just a few words that make up this epidemic.  I am sure you guys can find thousands of others, This epidemic is certainly not new; it has been around since biblical times, i.e. the prodigal son, Joseph and his brothers, the 12 tribes, King Saul, etc.  There are also all types of estrangement from physical to spiritual to emotional; although, when one type occurs, the others usually always follow. 

Now, let's talk about the first 2 letters in this nasty word:  E for Escape and S for Separate/Splitsville.  Some of the main reasons estrangement occurs are to "escape" the problems, the truth, and the confrontations.  A lot of times, this epidemic also occurs due to being influenced by others and due to jealousy.  Sometimes it occurs due to physical abuse, but I am finding this is more atypical.  So, this blog will cover the emotional and spiritual aspects of this epidemic.  Mental illness can also play a major role in someone becoming estranged due to the estranger not being able to distinguish between reality and fantasy.  And narcissism almost always backs up this mental illness in the estranger, who walks away and then begins fabricating the truth.  And, of course, this is only to make the estranger look better in their own eyes.  Due to the estranger's mental instability, their perception is always distorted.  I have encountered this quite a bit in acquaintances who are estranged.  

The next 2 letters are T for Turn Away and R for Remove.  Something happened to cause this person to turn away and remove themselves.  It doesn't matter what it was, though, because the estranger will always try to justify why they departed.  It has been determined that the only "real" justification for estrangement would be physical abuse.  And even then, it is advised to seek counseling for resolution and reconciliation.  

A for Alienate and N for Negate.  G for Go Away/Grow Apart and E for Enemy/Empty.  M for Move and E for Exert.  N for Nullify and T for Tribulation.  You see where I'm going with this, right?  All these words define the lone word Estrangement in some way with not only the estranger, but the estrangee.  You do see that no one wins with all the repercussions of this epidemic, correct?  It is more than devastating to all involved, and that is putting it mildly!  One could akin it to a "death;" although some say that death is easier to overcome, as you can close the whole book and be done with it.  In terms of estrangement, you can't even close the chapter of the book, much less the whole book.  

Now, I won't bore you guys with my story, but I will tell you that my family and I have definitely had our fair share of pain and shed oceans full of tears in the past almost decade.  A lot has happened during this time, including 2 deaths in my family.  It's very tough going through this kind of heartache, because none of it makes any sense, and the estranger can't or won't explain why.  You don't want to hang out with anyone whose children and grandchildren come around, because that just brings up your pain.  You can't really talk to anyone who hasn't "been there, done that" because they will NEVER understand.  So, you choose to isolate yourself and try to get through it alone.  It is also embarrassing to tell someone you have children that you can't see.  Then, you open up a whole new can of drama you were trying to get away from by going out.  This just causes more and more heartbreak and heartache.  So, remaining isolated is the better choice, or so you think.  Well, I am here to tell you, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

Let's look at what God has to say regarding this kind of behavior.  Check out Matthew 18:15-17 "If another believer sins against you, go and point out the offense."  Read the entire passage for God's complete instructions to us on this.  He says in verse 17 that if that person, the estranger, does not want to accept the decision from even the church, to treat that person as a pagan or a tax collector.  Wow!  So, in other words, you can't force the estranger to accept their wrongdoing, nor can you force them to reconcile.  I believe in trying to reconcile issues, but if that person doesn't want to talk about it, how can you resolve anything?  Definition of a pagan:  A heathen, infidel, ungodly.    God said it, I didn't!  Got it God! 

I also believe that you have to forgive people whether they ask you to or not, for your own health.  After all, forgiving is the first step towards reconciliation and healing, right?  

So, let me share a road to laughter, good times, joy, and peace with you, if I may.  Because even though the title to this blog is "Death by Estrangement," it only feels that way; you can change the outcome of all this madness, even if it's just for you!  

First of all, I have learned through all this pain and heartache that I can live without anyone in my life, EXCEPT God.  I went through some experiences in the past couple of years that really put me and my life in perspective.  They were huge eye-openers!  Through this, I became very privy to the things that mattered in my life.  Guess what???  It was NOT the estranger!  The love I had for this estranger is still there, but the pain this person brought me and my family outweighed the need for this person to be in my life.  Ahhhhhhh, I so get it now!  So, if I only had this moment, would all this tribulation caused by this estranger have mattered?  Absolutely NOT!  So, I began to live one moment at a time, NOT one day at a time.  I surrounded myself with good honest people, who really cared for me, and I went dancing, to the movies, visiting others, and started laughing more like I used to.  I even started laughing at this epidemic and it now has become absurd, to say the least, and more comical in my heart and mind than heart-wrenching.  I went on shopping sprees for just me, something I had not done in years.  I sought solace and consolation from wise people and God's word.  I poured myself into my business and started taking care of ME for once in many years!  God blessed me and my financial situation more than I could have ever asked Him for!  I am comfortable with everything in my life, which is something I couldn't say almost a decade ago, or even a few years ago.  Oh, I am definitely NOT saying that the pain doesn't rear its ugly head at times, but I AM saying I can send it back into hiding again because of Philippians 4:13, "I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me."  I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 9, so He has always walked with me; but He showed me that I haven't always walked with Him regarding this issue.  When I started drawing closer to Jesus and leaning heavily on Him through this trial, He started showing me that "this too shall pass" and that my family and I would be the victors in this battle.  I truly believe this will happen one day, but I certainly don't allow it to consume me and control my life anymore by dwelling on it!  Why??? Because I know God's got this!  

Now, let me say this:  All you are responsible for, as parents, is raising your child or children the best way you know how.  You are NOT responsible for their actions when they become adults.  And you CANNOT travel their journey with them.  Pray for their return to God, or for them to find God, forgive them, and live a fulfilling life without them!  Never allow them to control your happiness or unhappiness; only YOU can do that!  Make the decision to enjoy every second of every day, as we are not promised our next moment.  God gave us ONE life to live; make the best of it, for we only get one chance down here!  The things we think matter really don't when this life is over.  God wants you to experience His peace that passes all understanding!  My prayer for you, dear friend, is that you choose that peace today, and forgive your estrangers for your own health!  Take a trip you have been thinking about, get out in nature more, find a new hobby.  Find your contentment and love by being around others who think you matter!  And you matter to God, so give Him the reins and LET GO!  Your health and happiness should NEVER be jeopardized by anyone, including your children!  

God says in Proverbs 17:25:  "Foolish children bring grief to their father and bitterness to the one who gave them birth."  What a shame! 

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I have also attached an inspirational song to uplift you on those days when you are so down spiritually, physically, and emotionally. 

Thanks so much for reading my blog!  If I have helped just one person through this storm called Estrangement, then it was all worth my time and effort!  

May God bless you and your family abundantly!